Understanding and Coping with Anger

What makes you angry?

And what happens inside your body when anger arises? Does your head hurt?

Your blood boil? Your jaw tighten?

Or maybe… you don’t feel angry at all.

In this post, adapted from an article I originally wrote for Counselling Directory, I explore some common myths about anger, how to recognise your anger triggers, and offer simple techniques for managing anger in everyday life.

Do You Struggle with Anger?

For some of us, anger can feel frightening or even unacceptable. You might find it hard to express or release. For others, anger feels overwhelming. Like it's taking over. Leading to an explosive, or even violent, reaction.

If you're struggling with anger, the first step is to understand your personal relationship with anger. Often, our beliefs and emotional responses around anger are shaped during childhood.

What Messages Did You Learn About Anger?

1. Is Anger Unacceptable?

No one wants to grow up in a house full of anger. But in some households, anger isn’t allowed in any shape or form. Problems are hidden. Anger may be suppressed and replaced with frustration, disappointment, or a simmering, quiet resentment. Where anger is frowned upon, other behaviour - like cheerfulness or politeness - is often encouraged, while you’re taught to keep difficult feelings to yourself.

In adulthood, this might show up as a need to avoid confrontation at all costs. You may go to great lengths to seem agreeable or likeable. You might believe that you never get angry. Or that you don’t have the right to be angry. If this resonates with you, you might be interested in my blog posts about the Drama Triangle and People-pleasing.

2. Is Anger Frightening?

If you grew up in an environment where anger was unpredictable or aggressive, you may associate anger with fear. As an adult, you might try to shrink yourself, hide your feelings, or avoid 'rocking the boat' in order to stay safe or prevent others from getting angry.

3. Is Anger Powerful?

In some families, anger may be seen as a show of strength or dominance. As a result, it might become your default response in stressful situations. You might seek out arguments or feel unsure how to express other emotions like sadness or vulnerability.

These examples are all generalisations. But they highlight one key idea: anger looks and feels different for everyone.

What Happens When You Suppress Anger?

This is a question I often ask in counselling. If you are not acknowledging or releasing your anger, where does it go?

Many people become skilled at hiding anger. But when we bottle up our emotions, it often builds pressure over time. It can eventually surface as anxiety, sadness, or a sense of invisibility or low self-esteem. And this sends confusing signals to ourselves and to others, making it hard for us to know what we truly need.

Tips for understanding and managing anger

When anger flares up too fast or too often, it can damage relationships. It can overwhelm us, making it harder to access other important emotions - like empathy, calm, or joy. Here are some gentle, practical ways to better understand and manage your anger:

1. Tune Into the Body

Start by noticing how anger shows up physically. Does your jaw tighten? Is your breathing shallow? Does your face redden? Once you’ve identified the signs, you can take action:

• Take a deep breath

• Drink some water

• Massage tense muscles

• Pause before reacting

  
  

2. Observe How You Express Anger

Do you clench your fists or raise your voice? Or do you appear calm on the outside while hiding a pressure cooker on the inside? There’s no right or wrong. But it's useful to explore whether you tend to reveal or conceal your anger. And if you do hide it - does it leak out anyway (a sharp tone, shaking hands, flushed face)?

3. Remember: Emotions Are Messages

Every emotion is a signal. Including anger. In therapy, we often explore questions like:

• If you’re quick to anger, what are you protecting yourself from?

• If you struggle to express anger, are you afraid of being judged or disliked?

• If you don’t think you ever feel angry - why might that be? Are you allowed to be angry?

Understanding Your Anger Triggers

Personal Triggers

Are there specific people or situations that make you angry, that activate your internal alarm system? Ask yourself whether your reaction is truly about what's happening right now. Or are you being reminded of something from the past.

If so, try to ground yourself in the present.

Universal Triggers

This isn't a clinical term, it's really a reference to issues that make many of us feel angry:

• Injustice

• Inequality

• Climate change

• War or violence

In today’s 24/7 news cycle, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. Think about your boundaries that you might need to put in place in order to retain a sense of peace and perspective - including your exposure to the news and to social media.

Longer-Term Causes

Sometimes, anger sits on top of deeper emotions, like sadness, disappointment, or grief. You may feel resentful about how life has turned out, or about things that feel outside your control. In counselling, we explore what lies beneath the anger. Often, that means processing past experiences, accepting what we can’t change, and finding new ways to move forward.

De-Escalating Anger in the Moment

If you're prone to intense anger or rage, it's important to build your personal toolkit:

• Who is in your support network? Who is your 3am phone call if you need help?

• What can you do when anger starts to rise?

• What helps you feel grounded and safe?

  
  

Healthy Ways to Release Anger

Everyone is different, but here are some approaches that help:

• Talking to a trusted friend or therapist

• Writing or journaling

• Engaging in creative or physical activities (drawing, running, dancing)

The goal is to explore and express your anger in a safe, constructive way.

Lifestyle Considerations

Sometimes, lifestyle factors contribute to anger. Consider whether things like:

• Sleep deprivation

• Alcohol or substance use

• Chronic stress or burnout

…are making your anger harder to understand or manage.

Want to Explore Further?

I love working with people who want to understand themselves better. In counselling, we explore your identity, boundaries, and emotional needs, so you can feel more confident and comfortable in daily life. Click here to book a free introductory chat.

Click here to view the original article posting.

Understanding and Coping with Anger