What's the right way to grieve? And other big questions about loss

Do we have to let go? Do we have to 'finish' grieving? Which 'stage of grief' should we be in, and for how long? I was recently invited on a podcast to talk about grief. The 'Death: A Funny Business' podcast offers a serious but light-hearted (not an easy balance) insight into death, grief, and what comes next. Click here to check out the show, my interview starts at around 30 minutes into the podcast. We talked through some BIG questions about grief. Read on to learn more.

Where does the idea of 'five stages of grief' come from?

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross developed the ‘five stages of grief’model as a way to support people who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness.  It offers a roadmap for the five different stages that we might expect to go through as we move through terminal illness: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Kubler-Ross described the model in her work ‘On Death and Dying’ and it was taken on more widely as a model for grief in general.  

So are there really 'five stages of grief'?

It’s human nature to seek an explanation for our feelings, and a roadmap for coping.  This theory offers us a way to understand our feelings if we are grieving, or trying to support someone else who is grieving.  It also suggests that our experience will be linear, that we will progress through our grief.  This offers a sense of hope, as if we might find a light at the end of the tunnel.  When we are plunged into grief, we might feel emotionally or physically overwhelmed by everything that’s happening around us.  This theory offers us a tool to guide us to understand and make sense of our feelings.  This is incredibly helpful, as it shows us that it’s acceptable to grieve, and to talk about grieving, rather than trying to hide it all away.  

However, there’s a risk to any theory that suggests a linear, or a ‘one size fits all’ approach. When a theory presents a framework like this, there’s a risk that we might feel frightened or embarrassed or distressed if our own grief - or the grief of a loved one - doesn’t follow this neat progression.  For more on this, read my comments in this article for Yahoo.

So are there other, potentially more helpful, ways to look at grief?

Absolutely. The reality is that life doesn’t take us through a linear set of emotions.  And we will all cope with our own grief in different individual ways.  Grief is now viewed as a part of life, rather than a process that we need to undergo or complete in some way.  

Do we have to 'finish' grieving? Growing around grief

What if we could 'grow around' our grief? Allow our grief to exist - perhaps for a really long time, or forever - with the knowledge that we can 'grow around' it. Lois Tonkin's grief model suggests just that. I really like this idea, as it makes it acceptable for us to imagine living our life, without diminishing the memory of the person that we have lost, or feeling guilty about ‘moving on’ in some way.  Our grief and our life can coexist.  

Do we have to let go? Staying connected with our lost loved one

Modern grief theory suggests that having a 'Continuing Bond' with our lost loved one can be incredibly helpful. This runs counter to older views about the importance of 'letting go'. I often think about how we give a child a teddy bear to cope with a separation from their attachment figure. When we have lost a loved one, it can be soothing to retain a bond with them. We might imagine them, talk to them, or find new ways to keep their presence in their lives.

Why do some people grieve differently from others?

There's a short answer to this one, and a really really long answer to this one. I'll try to meet somewhere in the middle.

The short answer, is that we are all different.

The much longer answer is that, from the moment we are born, we start figuring out who we are in relation to other people. How we connect, love and care for other people. And how we can elicit attention and affection from others. This forms our attachment behaviours, or defence mechanisms, and much more. And it informs how we respond to love, loss, and separation. It determines how resilient we are when we are faced with a loss. Whether we become plunged into grief, and totally preoccupied by it. Or whether we are disengaged or dismissive about our grief. Or somewhere in between.

And this all manifests in different ways. We might feel overwhelmed by our emotions, and incapable of imagining things being different. We might feel a sense of emptiness and disconnection. These are all natural and normal responses. The trick is to notice whether we really feel like we are coping. Or whether we might need some extra support to absorb or unlock our feelings. And that's where therapy can be enormously helpful.

If you'd like to hear more from me on grief, click here to view all my blog posts on this topic.

Keen to explore more? In counselling, we can take a deeper look at how you feel about yourself. Click here to contact me, or click here to book a 30-minute introductory call.

What's the right way to grieve? And other big questions about loss