Are you an island? Why is it so hard to ask for help? Understanding Avoidant Attachment

From the moment we are born, we look to our early caregivers, and the society that we live in, to determine how to elicit attention or affection. This concept lies at the heart of attachment theory. And in many families, independence is prized and applauded. This is reinforced by the culture that we live in. Western culture typically values independence, the idea of standing on your own two feet. In many ways, this can be helpful. It can make us resilient and productive, knowing that we can succeed regardless of who is around us. However, it can come at a personal cost. In this blog, I take a look at why an 'avoidant' attachment style might make it hard for us to ask for help, and what happens when this independence becomes a form of self-protection, or even 'compulsive self-reliance'. If you find it hard to ask for help, hopefully this will give you an insight into what lies beneath this drive. Perhaps it might even give you permission to ask for more support when you need it.

Avoidant attachment: When independence becomes a defence mechanism, and makes it hard to ask for help

It's not always easy to spot the difference between healthy independence and compulsive self-reliance. Healthy independence is a feature of 'secure' attachment, where we feel confident to be independent but also know we can reach out for help when we need it. By contrast, the idea of 'compulsive self-reliance' is the hallmark of an 'avoidant' attachment. This is when our need for independence becomes a compulsion, overriding all else - even if what we really need is a sense of connection. On the outside, it might look like resilience, competence, or self-control. But deep down, it can feel like loneliness, exhaustion, or anxiety.

If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong. It's simply a sign of a defence mechanism that you have developed in order to protect yourself from something. You might keep people at arm’s length for a whole host of reasons, including fear of rejection, vulnerability, embarrassment, fear of intimacy, or abandonment. And in everyday life, it might not be too noticeable. But when we are under stress or pressure, that's often when these patterns show up.

This attachment style often develops in childhood, if our early caregivers were emotionally unavailable, unpredictable, or overwhelmed. If that's the case, then we might have learnt that our caregivers weren't able to meet our needs, and that it was better to suppress any need for comfort or connection. If this happens, we begin to build a model of the world where there’s no point in asking for help. Or perhaps that asking for help is a sign of weakness. Over time, this encourages us to be independent as a protection, as a way of being.

When we become adults, this attachment style often shows up in relationships as keeping others at arm’s length. This might show up as looking after everyone else, failing to ask for help, bottling up emotions, or feeling overwhelmed when others express their own emotional needs. There might be a sense of shame in needing comfort, or guilt in reaching out. And if we have spent a long time suppressing our emotional needs, we might not even know what they are anymore.

This attachment style is most commonly known as 'avoidant', but in adulthood we often also refer to it as 'dismissive'. For me, this adds another layer to our behaviour. We are not just avoiding the support of others, but we are dismissing it - actively pushing it away. However, there's an analogy from Dr Stan Tatkin that I like even better. In his book 'Wired for Love', Tatkin talks about Anchors, Islands, and Waves. I'll delve into these in full another time. For this blog, we are focusing on 'Islands' - those of us who are driven towards independence. Being an island can be useful when we are under attack, as we have natural boundaries for self-protection. But as an island, it can feel difficult, unnatural, or even painful to ask for help, even when we deserve it.

Being an 'Island'

Avoidant attachment and the Drama Triangle

In a previous blog post (click here to read it) I've described the three roles of the Drama Triangle: the rescuer, the victim and the persecutor. Interestingly, someone who struggles to ask for help might paradoxically feel most comfortable when they are helping others. Being the 'rescuer' offers a sense of control. If this sounds familiar to you, then you might be most at ease solving other people's problems, while dismissing your own. On the surface, this might appear as kindness, selflessness, and generosity - all attributes that we tend to value. But it can come at a personal cost. It can make it hard for us to be vulnerable or ask for help. It can lead to resentment, frustration and unhealthy relationships.

How to start asking for help

If you’ve spent a long time relying on yourself, reaching out to others can feel unfamiliar. It might even feel risky or frightening. But like any new skill, or change in behaviour, asking for help becomes easier with practice.

Start small. If you are feeling worried or need some advice, consider speaking to a friend. Notice and acknowledge the feelings that come up.

If you struggle to ask for help, you may also decline offers of collaboration. This might be at work, or perhaps at home. Perhaps you assume that everything is easier when you are on your own. And sometimes this can be the case. Too many cooks sometimes spoil the broth. But when we constantly keep ourselves isolated, we are missing out on opportunities for connection and creativity.

Try to challenge the stories you tell yourself about needing support. Remind yourself that asking for help isn't a weakness. Needing people, and being needed, are a key part of what makes us human. Think about how it feels when you help others (especially if you are often the 'rescuer' in the Drama Triangle). By asking for help, you offer someone else the opportunity to experience that feeling too.

The impact of compulsive self-reliance on others

If it feels too big to ask someone for help, you may find it easier to write down what you need, and practise saying it to yourself.

It's not always easy to change the habits of a lifetime. But we do know that the pathways in our brain remain plastic and malleable throughout our life. Change is always possible.

Keen to explore more? In counselling, we can take a deeper look at how you feel about yourself. Click here to contact me, or click here to book a 30-minute introductory call.