Tired of Putting Everyone First? Let’s Talk About People Pleasing

Ever find yourself saying 'yes' when you really mean 'no'? Apologising for things that aren’t your fault? You're not alone. People pleasing is a behaviour that many of us fall into, often without even realising it. It shows up in all sorts of ways. Challenges with setting boundaries. Seeking out external validation. Or putting everyone else's needs before our own. I was recently asked to deliver a presentation on this, so I thought I'd share some of the highlights here with you. Whether you recognise these traits in yourself, or someone in your life, understanding where they come from and how to try to shift them can make a real difference.

What Does People Pleasing Look Like?

People pleasers tend to avoid conflict and seek approval from others. They struggle to say no, often agreeing to commitments or requests even when they are already overwhelmed. The word 'sorry' becomes an automatic reflex. For things they have done, things they haven't done and things they can't control. And sometimes just for simply existing.

People pleasers often experience:

• Difficulty setting and maintaining boundaries

• A yearning need to be liked or validated by others

• Perfectionism in their roles at home or in the workplace

• Suppression of their own needs

• An inability to make decisions or choices

  
  

Why Do We Become People Pleasers?

Attachment theory tells us that from the moment we are born, we look to those around us to discover how to elicit their attention and affection, in order to feel safe and secure. From a young age, many people learn that being helpful or compliant earns that sought-after praise and affection. If a child only receives attention when they’re being caring or cooperative, they may begin to link their self-worth to pleasing others.

Cultural and gender expectations also play a part. Girls, in particular, are often praised for being kind, nurturing, and agreeable, being a 'good girl'. This leads to an internalised belief that they are valued most when they are putting others first.

These early experiences form long-standing behaviour patterns, known in attachment theory as 'Internal Working Models' that can be difficult to unpick later in life.

Tired of People Pleasing? The Hidden Cost of putting everyone first

When we are growing up, people pleasing might seem to offer us an advantage. It helps us to make friends, to become indispensable at work. But as we grow older, these tendencies come at an increasing personal cost.

People pleasing can lead to:

• Chronic stress from constantly trying to meet other people’s needs

• Anxiety around disappointing others or making the 'wrong' choice

• Low mood or depression when our efforts don't feel 'good enough'

• Simmering resentment or anger from our own needs being ignored

• Burnout from being overextended

• Unbalanced relationships which lack the natural 'give and take' that we all need

Stephen Karpman's 'Drama Triangle' explains this dynamic well. You can read about this in more detail in this blog post. But in the meantime, the 'Drama Triangle' describes how we often tend to fall into one of three roles. People pleasers tend to fall into a 'rescuer' role, which often attracts those in the 'victim' or 'persecutor' roles. This keeps relationships stuck in unhealthy patterns.

How to Break Free from People Pleasing

Here's the good news. Change is possible. Neuroplasticity means that even if these patterns have been in place for years, our brains can form new habits with intention and consistency. It can take work - like chopping down trees in the wood to create new pathways - but it can absolutely be worth it in the end.

Here are five steps that can help:

1. Start small with boundaries

Begin with low-stakes changes. Don’t respond to every message immediately. Pause before volunteering for something new. These small acts can build your confidence in protecting your time and energy.

2. Strengthen your internal sense of worth

Start making decisions based on your own values, not others' opinions. In therapy, we talk about building a stronger “internal locus of evaluation” — essentially, trusting your own voice.

3. Challenge the habit of over-apologising

Instead of defaulting to “sorry,” try replacing it with gratitude. For example:

• “Sorry I’m late” becomes “Thanks for waiting”

• “Sorry to ask” becomes “Appreciate your help with this”

4. Be surious about self-criticism

Notice when self-doubt or sabotage creeps in. Ask yourself: is this voice protecting me, and do I still need it? You may find these reactions are old defence mechanisms that no longer serve you.

5. Seek support

In counselling, we can help you explore the roots of your people pleasing tendencies and develop healthier coping strategies. Real change often requires time, space, and support.

People pleasing isn’t a flaw. It’s a learned behaviour based on past experiences and the society that we live in. As with so many of our behaviours, it starts with simply noticing what we are doing. From there, you can begin to:

• Set boundaries

• Say no without guilt

• Prioritise your own needs

You are allowed to unlearn patterns that no longer fit the life you want to build.

Want to think more about your patterns of behaviour? Click here to contact me, or click here to book a 30-minute introductory call.