The Drama Triangle: A simple way to understand what’s really going on in your relationships

Relationships aren't easy. They are often the place where we feel the most grounded and connected. But they can also be the place where we feel confused or overwhelmed by what's happening, or what's expected of us. Or stuck in patterns that repeat themselves over and over again. If this sounds familiar, then you might be stuck in the 'Drama Triangle' without even knowing it. I love this model, because it's simple for us to understand, but it really resonates with so many of us.

What Is the Drama Triangle and how does it impact on relationships?

Stephen Karpman developed the Drama Triangle model in the 1960s. The idea is that we often fall into one of three default roles, when we experience tension or conflict, or we feel under pressure. These are:

• Victim – Feels helpless, stuck, or overwhelmed, commonly asks for help from others and doesn't believe that they have the resources to help themselves.

• Rescuer – Feels the need to help or fix, sometimes without being asked. Struggles to say 'no'.

• Persecutor – Criticises or blames others or tries to control them, often from a defensive place.

The Drama Triangle: A simple way to understand what’s really going on in your relationships

You may find that you often find yourself in one of these positions, or you might notice that you shift between them. They are fluid. You might start by trying to help someone (Rescuer), then feel unappreciated (Victim), and then become angry or frustrated (Persecutor). This cycle can leave everyone feeling emotionally drained.

And when we find ourselves occupying one of the points on the drama triangle, it's easy for other people to get drawn into another one of the points. So if we are faced with someone who always asks for help (Victim), we might feel a pull to do everything for them (Rescuer) or to criticise them (Persecutor).

Why the Drama Triangle matters for women and our relationships

I specialise in working with women. And this has given me a real opportunity to think in depth about why this all matters for women. When we think back right back to where it all started, most of us would acknowledge that girls are often (but not always) encouraged to 'be a good girl' and keep other people happy. Of course, there's nothing wrong with being a kind, well-behaved, and caring person. But these expectations can often lead us to take on too much responsibility, or to react in ways that don't feel true to who we really are. Understanding the Drama Triangle helps us to step back and track where we often find ourselves - and reflect on where we really want to be.

The Three Roles from the Drama Triangle, and how they show up in our lives and relationships

1. Victim – 'I can’t do this'

In this role, you may feel helpless, or dependent on others to solve your problems. You might find yourself feeling unsupported or unheard. The Victim often feels overwhelmed or misunderstood, and may struggle to see a way forward.

2. Rescuer – 'Let me fix it'

This role often overlaps with people pleasing - the urge to keep others happy and solve their problems, even when it’s not your responsibility. While Rescuers may seem caring on the surface, this comes at a real personal cost. They often ignore their own needs and may struggle with boundaries, leading to burnout or frustration.

3. Persecutor –'It’s your fault'

The Persecutor tends to criticise, control, bully, or blame others. This often stems from an internal drive to defend themselves, or from feeling emotionally overloaded. While the Persecutor may appear strong or forceful, the behaviour often masks deeper feelings of vulnerability or insecurity. Just like a stereotypical playground bully. Attachment styles and defences play a role here too, one that I'm hoping to tackle in a future blog post.

So, how do you step out of the triangle?

As with so many things, it starts with noticing. Once you become aware of the roles you and others might be playing, you can consider what it might be like to behave differently. This isn't always easy, as we are so used to following familiar patterns. Once you have started noticing, allow yourself to take a breath. Consider whether you have a chance to practise doing something differently. If so, you might find using 'I statements' helpful, so that you are sharing your feelings without apportioning blame. You could also find an outlet to explore how this feels for you. It might feel uncomfortable or even frightening. Could you explore this in more depth in a journal, or in conversation with a trusted friend, or with a counsellor?

Here are some examples of how you might be able to pull yourself out of specific default points in the Drama Triangle:

• Victim. Instead of focusing on what's wrong, consider what's getting in the way of helping yourself.

• Rescuer: Try holding back for a moment rather than instantly rushing in and solving everything for everyone. When something becomes challenging, consider asking for help rather than keeping your problems to yourself. Try saying 'no' a bit more and saying 'sorry' a bit less.

• Persecutor: Take some time to consider how you can treat others with more kindness. Would this feel like a threat to your position? Or could it be ok?

Ready to change the shape of your behaviour? Counselling can give you a space to understand where these patterns come from, and how change might be possible Click here to contact me, or click here to book a 30-minute introductory call.