Why losing a pet hurts so much,and what can help

I was recently asked by Saga Magazine to share some thoughts on why losing a pet can feel so devastating, and what might help when you're coping with that loss. This is something that many pet owners know instinctively, but can sometimes find difficult to put into words. You can read the full article here: Why losting a pet hurts to much: and how to cope

Looking from the outside in, it can be hard to describe the connection that we feel with our pets. They may be an entirely different species, but they can represent a huge amount to us. Warmth, predictability, routine, and what a therapist might describe as 'unconditional positive regard', that sense of being truly accepted and loved.

The presence of our pets in our homes can act as a powerful grounding influence, and their need for care offers us a sense of purpose. We are all wired for connection, and this need for attachment extends into our relationship with our pets too.

It's for all these reasons that we develop such strong bonds with our pets. And while we expect, or at least hope, that our children will outlive us, we also know that we are more than likely to experience the loss of our pets during our lifetime.

When we lose a pet, we are often losing much more than an animal. We may be losing a sense of family, companionship, routine and even safety. Yet the outside world doesn't always recognise the depth of that grief.

Comments such as 'you can always get another one' or 'it was only a pet' can leave people feeling that they have to minimise or hide what they're going through.

Everyone experiences grief differently, and our feelings are often linked with other, earlier experiences of loss. For some people, the death of a pet may bring back memories of previous bereavements or remind them of other significant endings. For others, it may be their first experience of losing someone they have loved so deeply.

It's important to know that whatever you're feeling is valid. Grief is rarely linear. More often, it ebbs and flows. Some days you may feel able to smile at happy memories, while on others the quietness of the house or an unexpected reminder may catch you off guard.

What can help after the loss of a pet

There isn't a right way to grieve, but there are some things that people often find supportive in the days and weeks afterwards.

Seek support with the decisions

There may be difficult decisions to make, such as whether to choose burial or cremation. It's okay for these to feel like big decisions. If you can, give yourself time and talk them through with someone you trust. You don't have to make every decision alone.

Don't feel rushed to clear your home

Your home will feel full of memories. Their toys, their food bowls, the remnants of their fur on the sofa.

Allow yourself to follow your instincts. You may want to clear some practical items, such as opened food, while keeping hold of things that feel more sentimental. There is no timetable for this. Animal shelters are often grateful for donations of unopened food or supplies, and some people find that giving these items to charity brings a small sense of meaning during a very difficult time.

Find a space for your feelings

You may experience a whole range of emotions, including sadness, relief, guilt, anger or even numbness. Not everyone around you will understand the significance of your loss, so it can help to find somewhere you can express how you're feeling.

For some people this might be journalling. For others it may be talking with someone they trust. Organisations such as the Blue Cross Pet Bereavement Support Service also offer support from trained volunteers who understand the experience of pet loss.

Create new routines

Losing a pet can also mean losing the routines that quietly shaped your day. Feeding times, walks, greeting them when you came home, or simply having another presence in the house.

These routines can help keep us steady, so it may be worth thinking about how you can replace some of them in ways that feel manageable. You may also notice that your home feels much quieter than before. Something as simple as having the radio on can make that silence feel a little less overwhelming.

Consider memories and keepsakes

There was once a belief that grieving meant 'moving on' by cutting ties with the person we had lost. More recent understandings of grief suggest something different. Many people find comfort in maintaining a continuing bond with someone who has died, and pets are no different.

You may want to display a favourite photograph, create a keepsake, or simply keep something that reminds you of the relationship you shared.

Create a place to remember them

You may not have a grave or memorial to visit, but you can still choose a place that helps you feel connected with your pet. It might be a bench along one of your favourite dog walks or the sunny spot where your cat loved to sleep.

Having somewhere that holds those memories can be comforting. It can also help to remember that you can step away from that place and return to the present when you need to.

There is no 'right' time to get another pet

After a pet dies, people often ask whether you'll get another one. From the outside, this can seem like a natural question. They know how much you loved having pets, so they assume you'll want another.

But when you're the one living with the loss, it can feel very different. Many people don't want to think about 'replacing'the pet they have lost, and there is no right or wrong decision about if or when to welcome another animal into your life.

You may decide that you never want another pet, or you may decide the time feels right in the future. Both are valid. If these conversations feel difficult, it can help to have a simple phrase ready to move the conversation on.

Losing a pet is a significant loss. The relationship you had mattered, and so it's understandable that the grief matters too. Giving yourself permission to grieve, in your own way and at your own pace, is often one of the kindest things you can do for yourself.

If you'd like to explore this more deeply in therapy, click here to book a free introductory chat.