How do you leave a party? Depart, Delay, or Detach – and what it says about you

If I asked you, 'How do you cope with endings?', you might not know the answer. But what if we start with something simpler? How do you leave a party?

• Do you say your goodbyes, and then know that you're ready to go?

• Do you sneak away without saying a word?

• Or do you linger until the very end, saying goodbye to everyone there?

It might sound like a simple question. But the way that we leave a party tells us something about ourselves. How we cope with endings - and possibly also how we cope with change, transition, and loss. We often spend a lot of time thinking about how to handle change and new beginnings. But endings can get overlooked. And endings matter. Having a 'good ending' can help us feel satisfied about a situation or a relationship. Even if it's over. By contrast, a 'bad ending' can leave us feeling upset, angry, or anxious. Or even stuck, and unable to move on.

I'm writing this in June, a time of year that always gives me end-of-term vibes. It reminds me that, for many of us, our early experiences of endings are related to the school year. But if we think about it, we notice that we experience endings all the time. In our friendships and relationships. At work, or in education. In life transitions - adolescence, matrescence, menopause, retirement.

These endings often come with a mixture of emotions – sadness, relief, pride, regret, fear, or even numbness. Sometimes we expect to feel one thing and end up feeling something else entirely. Or we don’t feel much at all, and that can be unsettling in itself. So, how we cope with endings can be just as important as the endings themselves.

How do you cope with endings: do you Depart, Delay, or Detach?

We all have our own personal way of coping with endings. In order to understand our ending style better, I've broken it down into three different ways of approaching endings.

Depart

The party's over, and you are able to acknowledge it.

You have a realistic sense of how you feel, and how others might view your departure. You gather your belongings and say goodbye. And here's the crucial part - you can trust that things will be ok. You can reflect on how the party went, and you are not left with any lingering worries.

• From an attachment perspective, this links with the idea of secure attachment.

Delay

The party's over, and it's hard for you to leave.

You might cling to conversations, refuse to acknowledge that the party has finished, or struggle with FOMO. You might want to leave, but feel guilty or embarrassed about leaving or letting go. You might feel anxious about being forgotten. Even though the party is over, these thoughts and feelings might remain, fuelling ruminations about how you were perceived by others. If you struggle with self-esteem then this can amplify these feelings. Any doubts about how you are perceived might be internalised and experienced as self-criticism.

• From an attachment perspective, this links with the idea of anxious attachment, sometimes also known as preoccupied or ambivalent.

Detach

The party's over, and you are out the door.

Or maybe you've already slipped away before the end. It's easy for you to disappear before the ending happens, or convince yourself that it wasn't important.

• From an attachment perspective, this links with the idea of avoidant attachment, sometimes also known as dismissive. Check out my blog post on 'Understanding avoidant attachment' to learn more.

  
  

These are not rigid categories. You might recognise yourself in more than one. The way you cope with each ending might vary depending on how you manage change and connection.

Attachment and endings - where does it all come from?

Above, I've talked about how the way that you cope with endings might reflect your primary attachment style. What do I mean by this? The concept of attachment is all about how our earliest experiences with our parents, or caregivers, play a formative role in shaping our behaviour. We look to these key people to determine how to elicit their attention and affection. If we experience secure, consistent caregiving, then we are likely to become confident and resilient. But sometimes our experience leads us to develop different behaviours. Whether it's trying to hold people close, which might make endings an anxiety-inducing experience. Or trying to keep ourselves independent and self-reliant, which might mean that we push people away before they can reject us.

The way that we respond to others is also shaped by the messages that we received in our family, our school, our culture. You might have absorbed messages like this - whether they were explicit or unspoken:

• Never leave first

• Don't make a fuss

• Say thank you, but don’t get emotional

• Be polite, even if you feel hurt or left out

Over time, these messages influence our patterns of behaviour, shaping not just how you leave a party, but how you leave a friendship, a relationship, a workplace, a community, or even a stage of your life.

Why does our 'ending style' matter?

Understanding ourselves

When we understand how we 'do' endings, it can help us to understand the feelings that we are left with. There might be an unspoken sense of anxiety, or a defensive shield that is often raised. When we talk about this in therapy, I'm always curious to know about the fears that lie beneath these feelings. If we find it hard to leave a party, or if we bolt out the door - what fears are motivating these actions? Maybe it's fear of rejection, of being seen, of being ignored, of being too close. Understanding these fears can help us to get to grips with our feelings.

Navigating friendships and relationships

You may be aware of your ending style, or you might never have thought about it. But even if all of this lies in your subconscious, you are likely to have a sense of whether your ending style clashes or complements the other people in your life. Differences in styles can cause tension. One person might want to linger and wade through the emotions. The other person might favour a quick ending, a clean break.

In couples and friendships, these differences can cause confusion, irritation, or even conflict. Especially if we expect others to behave in the same way that we do. We might feel hurt if someone doesn’t say goodbye in the way that we had hoped. Or we might feel pressured by someone else’s need for a long goodbye. Recognising these differences can help us to become more understanding and less frustrated.

Coping with grief

So far, I've focused on the small endings that we experience all the time - including the end of a party. But our approach to endings is likely to be similar to our approach to grief. In a previous blog post ('What's the right way to grieve?'), I've talked about how, when we are grieving, some of us focus our grief on the loss itself, while others focus our grief on the act of restoration. This comes from the 'Dual Process' model.

The Dual Process model of coping with grief

Understanding how we cope with endings can help us when we are coping with grief. It can help us to challenge our default patterns, and to learn when we need to ask for help. And it's important to recognise that grief isn't just about bereavement. An ending of any kind can leave us feeling a sense of grief. And that's ok.

Can you do endings differently?

Here's the good news. Understanding how we cope with endings allows us the opportunity to challenge ourselves. We might have developed the tendency to 'delay' or 'detach' in order to protect ourselves in the past. But what if we don't need to protect ourselves any more?

If you have a tendency to 'delay' endings

• Be curious about the fear that drives this. Notice any self-criticism or rising fear. Does it belong in the current situation, or is it a legacy from the past? Can you learn how to manage your feelings so that they become less overwhelming? Can you allow yourself to let go?

If you have a tendency to 'detach' from endings

• Wonder what you are protecting yourself from. Are you pushing people away before they can reject you? What would it be like to allow yourself to be more vulnerable and connected?

Mitch Albom, on Endings

Want to explore how you cope with endings? In counselling, we can take a deeper look at how you feel about yourself and your relationships. Click here to contact me, or click here to book a 30-minute introductory call.

How do you leave a party? Depart, Delay, or Detach – and what it says about you