How to stop comparing yourself to others and start feeling good about yourself

Comparison really is the 'thief of joy'. What would it be like to live your life without comparing yourself to others? In this article, I look at why we compare ourselves to others, what that tells us about ourselves, and how we can shift our outlook to feel happier and more confident.

Why do we compare ourselves to others?

In many ways, comparing yourself to others feels totally natural.. We look around and notice differences and similarities all day long. These things make us unique, exciting, and distinctive individuals. They form part of our 'frame of reference', our own individual perspective on the world. But somewhere along the way, we can forget to celebrate our uniqueness. We get caught up in comparing ourselves to others. In a way that might leave us feeling somehow inferior or not good enough.

What shapes your self-view?

Our sense of identity, of ‘who we are’ is influenced by many different things. In the UK, we refer to ‘protected characteristics’ such as age, race, religion, sexual orientation and so on. These might be visible, or invisible, to others. But what I'm really interested in, is how you see yourself.

Ask yourself:

• How would you describe yourself to someone else?

• What is the difference between your public and private self? Many of us describe ourselves differently if asked to ‘sell ourselves’, for example in a workplace profile, or on a dating app. This reveals how we see ourselves, often based on our physical appearance, our achievements, our family, and our friendships. What happens when you are asked to describe yourself as you really are? Consider things like character traits, achievements, failures, support network. Notice whether this is easy or difficult. Does it come naturally to you to list your attributes? Or is it easier to criticise yourself, and list traits that feel negative to you.

• How was your identity formed? Consider whether you truly believe these things about yourself right now. Or are they stories or labels that have been attributed to you throughout your life. Maybe you have been the 'difficult' one, the 'lazy' one, the 'quiet' one, the 'clever' one. Who is responsible for these labels – did you select them or were they stuck onto you by a relative, friend, colleague, partner, teacher, the list goes on. Has the story been constant throughout your life? Or was there an event or relationship that had a powerful impact on how you feel about yourself? Do you judge yourself against the reality of life as it is right now, or is it based on an ideal image of what you hoped life might be like? Are you a chameleon who fits in everywhere?

• How do you feel about your identity? Be curious. Perhaps you’re happy or contented, feeling ok with who you are right now. Or maybe there’s anger or frustration about how you feel about yourself. Or sadness or disappointment about yourself or about how life has worked out for you.

Comparison comes from within

Isn’t this article meant to explore how to stop comparing yourself to others? So why all the talk about ourselves and who we are? Here's the truth: comparison is rooted in how we feel about ourselves. If you feel confident and secure, you're less affected when others seem more successful, attractive, capable etc (*delete as appropriate). But if you’re feeling insecure, uncomfortable, critical, or vulnerable about yourself then it becomes easy to look around and assume that everyone is doing better than you are. Comparisons can be triggered at any moment. Struggling to cope? Someone who appears effortlessly capable might make you feel useless. Feeling unattractive? Someone who looks great might highlight your disappointment in your looks. Disappointed by your love life? An invite to a wedding or engagement might heighten your sadness, even if you want to feel happy for them.

These examples might seem minor, but we come across more complex versions of these every day. A tired mother sharing her exhaustion without realising that they are talking to someone who is struggling with their fertility. A friend shares a dilemma about what to buy, without realising that someone else is struggling to make ends meet.

How to stop comparing yourself to others - 6 Top tips

1/ Acknowledge what you think about yourself

There are lots of different ways to do this. It’s something that we often explore together in counselling. What language do you use when you think about your qualities and attributes? Where has this come from? What do you focus on? Where are your blind spots? There's a tool called the Johari Window that can help us to understand how we see ourselves, how other people see us, and where our blind spots are. I'll write a blog about it at some point, but in the meantime you can check out some more information here

2/ Challenge negative self-talk

Daily affirmations aren’t for everyone – although they can be a helpful way to strengthen and build beliefs about yourself. But think about what goes on inside your head. Do you criticise yourself in comparison to others? Are you getting in your own way? Do you replay events or conversations and think about how someone else might have handled it better? In therapy, we can explore this in more depth and consider the root causes of what’s going on for you. Ask yourself:

• Would I say this to a friend?

• Is this thought based on fact — or fear? Offer yourself the same compassion you'd give someone else.

3/ Try taking a mindful approach to social media

Like it or not, social media plays a huge role in our lives. And it's so important to remember that everything that we see online is created and curated in a certain way. And the algorithms are designed to dish us up a bit portion of whatever that platform wants us to see. Consider what boundaries you need to have in place so that you remain in control of your social media use rather than allowing it to control you.

4/ We all wear a mask sometimes

Think about how you view other people. I’m not encouraging you to approach others with suspicion. But remember that people often operate behind a mask in their everyday life. So just because someone appears a certain way, it doesn’t mean that they really feel that way inside. The same goes for relationships. It’s easy to assume that other people have happy relationships. But the reality is that life is messy and complicated, and most of our relationships reflect this. Everyone has a story.

Ask yourself - do you keep yourself behind a mask too? It can be scary to be vulnerable, to be authentic with others. And some situations require a professional or social façade. But I often find that when we are open about our flaws and insecurities, other people are too. It might sound uncomfortable, but it can be helpful to seek feedback from other people. It might challenge how you feel about yourself and the comparisons that you make.

5/ Notice what you dislike in others

I’ve focused in this article on comparisons with other people that might make leave us feeling inferior in some way. But it’s worth also thinking about qualities that you find unattractive in other people. Sometimes there will be something that we really don’t like about someone else. But it’s actually because it reminds us of something that we really don’t like about ourselves. This is sometimes referred to as our ‘shadow self’ (a concept originated by Carl Jung) and I might write about it in more depth another time.

6/ Consider your personal boundaries

Does it feel like certain people ‘make you feel’ a certain way? If that's the case, you might be interested in my blog post here about the 'Drama Triangle'. In counselling we often look at the boundaries that we have with other people. The fact that we can’t control what other people might think or do, but we can control how it makes us feel.

Keen to explore more?

I love working with people to help them to understand themselves. In counselling we build a relationship where we can look at your sense of who you are, and how you compare yourself with others, so that you can feel more comfortable and confident in everyday life. If you’d like to learn more, click here to contact me, or click here to book a free 30-minute introductory chat.

A version of this post was published here on the Counselling Directory website.