Family estrangement: why family relationships can be so hard to leave behind

We all know the phrase, 'you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family'. Some of us are fortunate enough to have balanced, caring relationships with our relatives. But for others of us, our families are the scene - or cause - of a whole host of difficult and complex feelings. We often see this play out in fictional families on screen, or in the lives of celebrities. Family estrangement is something I’ve spoken about a number of times over the past few years. I’ve commented in Metro about the emotional impact of estrangement, in The Independent about what happens when an estranged family faces illness or crisis, and in The Guardian about sibling estrangement and reconciliation. More recently, I spoke about family estrangement on LBC. It's a subject that is always on the radar because it is so very complicated and also so very common.

Why can family estrangement feel so complicated?

Separations and endings are rarely simple. We can know exactly why we have stepped away from someone, and yet we can still miss them. We can feel relieved, and also feel sad about it. We can love someone without wanting to have a relationship with them. And amongst this, there's often a sense of grief. Perhaps for the relationship that we have had, but often also for the relationship that we had hoped for that perhaps never quite emerged.

As an attachment-based therapist, it won't surprise you to learn that I'm interested in the roots of all our relationships. And our families are generally where everything began. Our families are often where we first learn about belonging, dependency, managing (or not managing) conflict, repairing (or not repairing) things when they go wrong. And our families are also often where we begin to play a role. The peacemaker, the capable one, the rebel, the caregiver, or perhaps another role that felt like it made sense in the context of those relationships.

And even if we no longer live with our family, or are no longer in contact with them, it doesn't mean that these patterns disappear. We might stop speaking to a parent and still hear their criticism in our head. We might no longer see a sibling but still find ourselves imagining what they would think about our choices. We can leave a family dynamic without immediately leaving behind the role we occupied within it. And this all means that we can leave a relationship without truly leaving the complex web of feelings that might remain inside us.

There are powerful expectations around family relationships. We hear things like ‘but she’s your mum’, ‘you only get one family’ or ‘life’s too short’. These comments might be well-intentioned, but they can leave very little room for the complexity of why somebody might need distance from their family. And there's often another layer of guilt that we carry, based on more general patterns that we learnt earlier on in life. If we grew up learning that we needed to please everybody else, keep everybody else happy, then the idea of disappointing our family might feel deeply uncomfortable.

What happens when there is a family crisis?

I mentioned above that I've been asked to speak to the press a few times about family estrangement. I often get these calls when a high profile family has gone through some kind of crisis - or significant family event. It could be illness, bereavement, or weddings or births - these events all have a way of bringing our family dynamics back into focus. We might feel under pressure, and we are likely to feel pulled towards our familiar roles. So if we always felt responsible, we might immediately feel as if we have to step in and fix everything. If we always kept the peace, we might feel compelled to do this once again. Families have an incredible ability to send us travelling through time - one minute we are a capable, resourceful adult, and the next we are back as a child, a teenager, a young adult, once again. And this all makes sense from an attachment perspective. We know that times of fear, illness and loss can bring our need for connection and safety closer to the surface - activating our 'attachment alarm system'. When the people involved are connected with our earliest experiences of those things, the feelings can be particularly powerful.

Does reconciliation have to be the goal?

I should start by saying that when I talk about family estrangement, I am not talking about advocating 'no contact' for the sake of it. Feeling angry or hurt by someone doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship has to end. Sometimes the work is about understanding those feelings and considering what kind of relationship, if any, feels possible in the present.

However, when someone has already become estranged from their family, there is a question here about what a 'happy ending' might look like. And reconciliation isn't always the perfect solution. Perhaps the most useful question isn't 'should I take steps to reconcile', but rather:

• how do I feel when I think about all this?

• what am I hoping might be different?

• am I doing this because I want to, or because I feel under pressure?

And we might not have a neat answer to any of these questions.

Family estrangement can contain anger, sadness, relief, guilt, love and longing, sometimes all at the same time. Making sense of those feelings doesn’t require us to decide that one of them is the 'right' one. We can choose whether somebody remains part of our life. It can take much longer to understand the part they have played in shaping it.

Keen to explore more? In therapy we can take a deeper look at your relationships and how you interact with other people. Click here to contact me, or click here to book a 30-minute introductory call.