Why you and your siblings behave so differently in the same family

I’ve recently been asked to comment for The Mirror on sibling dynamics, particularly in families where one adult child stays closely connected while another steps back. What often surprises people is not the fact that families argue and fall out with each other. But the confusion that can follow. The fact that different siblings who grew up in the same family respond so differently to the same parents, the same events, and the same tensions. And why this difference can sometimes feel so painful or personal.

Same family, different experiences

Although we share the same household as our sibling, we don’t share the same upbringing. Every pregnancy and birth is different and each child will have a unique relationship with their parents, shaped by their order in the family, temperament, timing, and the roles they unconsciously take on within the family. One sibling may have learned to keep the peace. Another might learn to stay quiet. Another might have had to shout loudly to be heard. Another may have felt responsible, overlooked, criticised, or relied upon too early.

Over time, these early experiences form patterns. They shape how safe we feel when we are expressing anger, setting boundaries or asking for support. So when something goes wrong, and some kind of conflict emerges, it makes sense that siblings don’t all respond in the same way.

Different coping strategies under stress

When family relationships become strained, our attachment system is often activated. I tend to describe this as feeling like an internal alarm system has gone off. And when that happens, we move towards whatever has historically helped us feel safer.

For some people, that means distance. Limiting contact can be a way of protecting ourselves from emotional pain, conflict, or overwhelm. For others, closeness is linked with safety. Staying involved, smoothing things over, or holding the family together can feel like the only way to keep things from falling apart.

Both responses are coping strategies. They are not about right or wrong, but about regulation and survival. The challenge arises when we interpret our sibling's coping strategy as some kind of personal attack, or betrayal, rather than as responses shaped by long-standing patterns.

When one sibling stays and another steps back

When siblings land on opposite sides of a family row, the relationship between them often becomes strained.

The sibling who steps back may feel unseen or dismissed or misunderstood. They might hope - consciously or subconsciously - that their sibling will recognise the same issues and join them on their side.

The sibling who stays may feel pulled in all sorts of directions. Often, this sibling finds themselves acting as a mediator or emotional buffer, roles that may feel familiar from childhood.

In these situations, it's easy for the traditional family roles to become cemented. The 'difficult one'. The 'reasonable one'. The 'peacemaker'. The 'problem'. Once these labels take hold and we revert into our old roles, it can be hard to retain hold of the adult strategies that we really need to have in order to navigate the situation.

Regardless of which side you're on, we often see similar feelings on both sides of the family. Guilt is common. Guilt about pulling away. Guilt about staying. Guilt about disappointing our parents or our siblings, or about feeling relieved if conflict means that we are spending less tiime together. Anxiety often follows close behind. We hope for our family to feel like a 'secure base', and when we fall out with our family, things can become difficult. We might find ourselves constantly monitoring what they say, or bracing for the next rupture. There is often grief too. Grief for the family as it once was, or for the family we hoped we would have.

Conflict and rupture are a normal part of family life. It can often be helpful to take a step back and really think about why everyone is behaving in the way that they are. If you find yourself responding very differently to family tension than your siblings, it doesn’t mean one of you is right and the other is wrong. More often, it reflects the different ways you learned to stay safe - even if you were in the household.

If you’re curious about exploring this further in therapy, you can book a free introductory call via the link on my website.