Why you're always saying sorry (even when you've done nothing wrong)

As a Brit, the word 'sorry' features heavily in our vocabulary. It's common for us to apologise all the time - even when something isn't our fault. And in everyday encounters, that doesn't feel like such a big deal. In fact, it often simply feels like a sign of politeness. I was recently asked to dig a little deeper on this topic for this article in Stylist Magazine, all about why we - women in particular - apologise so much. What these apologies might tell us about how we feel about ourselves. And how to find an alternative to that default act of saying sorry all the time. You can read the full article here: 'I kept apologising when I'd done nothing wrong'

For this article, the focus wasn't on the apology that we issue when we have hurt someone, or when we have made a mistake. In this case, what we are looking at is something more significant. Apologising for asking a question. For taking up someone's time. For expressing an opinion. Even for simply existing.

If you've ever caught yourself saying, 'Sorry, can I just ask...' or 'Sorry, but I think...', you're certainly not alone.

Why do so many women apologise all the time?

For many women, apologising starts young. We live in a society that often conditions women to be the caregiver, the peacemaker and the 'good girl'. These roles mean that apologising can become a safety mechanism. It becomes a defensive strategy to help us keep ourselves safe and reduce the risk of rejection. As we grow older, many of us subconsciously take on responsibility for the wellbeing and moods of those around us. We become the emotional organiser of those around us. Apologising becomes another way of looking after everyone else's needs and reducing the possibility of conflict.

The link between saying sorry and our self-esteem

Saying sorry all the time can be both a symptom and a cause of low self-esteem. The more we apologise, the more we may begin to believe that we have done something wrong. And we can internalise that sense of wrongdoing. Instead of thinking, 'I've done something wrong', we begin to think, 'There must be something wrong with me'.

This can gradually chip away at our confidence and self-esteem. We become more hesitant to speak up, more anxious, more likely to second-guess ourselves, and more inclined to assume that we are at fault whenever something feels uncomfortable. And this leads us into a vicious circle, as we are then even more likely to continue apologising.

Those of us who tend towards people-pleasing or low self-esteem often find ourselves defaulting into apology mode. These patterns of behaviour rarely develop by accident. More often, they have their roots in earlier relationships and experiences, where keeping other people happy or avoiding conflict helped us to feel emotionally safe.

So does this mean that we should be trying to avoid apologising?

Absolutely not! We all make mistakes. We all say things we wish we hadn't. A genuine apology helps us take responsibility for our behaviour and can actually strengthen our relationships in the long term.

The key is to try to ensure that our responses come from a reflective place, rather than an automatic one. Rather than apologising instinctively for everything that goes wrong, we can take the time to sincerely acknowledge our part. There is a big difference between saying, 'I'm sorry I interrupted you', and 'I'm so sorry. I'm such an idiot'. One acknowledges that we made a mistake. The other becomes a judgement about our worth as a person.

How can we break the habit of saying sorry all the time?

The first step is simply noticing.

The next time you catch yourself about to apologise, pause for a moment. Take a breath and ask yourself whether the apology is actually necessary. Have you genuinely done something wrong, or are you simply feeling uncomfortable?

If you decide that an apology isn't needed, notice how that feels. You might find that sitting with the discomfort is actually harder than saying sorry. Issuing an apology often gives us immediate relief, whereas choosing not to apologise may leave us feeling anxious or exposed.

If that's the case, it can be worth becoming curious about what is happening underneath. Is there a fear of disappointing someone? A fear of conflict? A worry that people won't like you if you don't smooth things over?

Those questions often tell us much more than the apology itself.

The good news is that habits like this can change. The more we notice when and why we apologise, the more choice we have. We don't have to stop being kind, or accountable for our actions. We simply begin to recognise the difference between apologising because we have caused harm and apologising because we are worried about taking up space.

If you recognise yourself in this, I'd encourage you not to judge yourself for it. Instead, become curious. Ask yourself what your apology is trying to achieve. It may be doing far more than expressing regret. It may be trying to protect you.

If you'd like to explore this more deeply in therapy, click here to book a free introductory chat.