In case you haven't heard, Christmas is on the way. There's an expectation that our inbox will be awash with social invites. But what if it isn't? I spoke to Stylist Magazine all about the social pressure that accompanies the festive season for this piece. We talked about the pressure of keeping up with the perception that everyone else is immersed in a dazzling pre-Christmas swirl of appealing social arrangements. But we also talked about how our self-esteem might be linked with how busy – or quiet – or social life is.
The pressures of Christmas. If we start off by looking at the pressures of Christmas, I would say that from a social perspective, it’s a perfect storm. This time of year is depicted as a period when our diaries are full, and we are overburdened with arrangements and invitations. And for some people, that really is the reality. But for many people, it simply isn’t the case. Although we are more connected than ever, in many ways we live more fragmented and isolated lives. Our friendship circles don’t always lend themselves to Christmassy get-togethers. Hybrid and remote working means that less of us are going to be attending a collection of work Christmas parties. We are talking more about wellbeing and sleep and exercise, which may mean that certain groups of people are less likely to meet up for the stereotypical boozy Christmas night out. And let’s not forget that the rising cost-of-living means that people may well be instigating fewer nights out. Social media, and Christmas adverts, typically add fuel to this fire. Our screens are full of images of people enjoying their social events, which can leave us feeling lonely or anxious if that doesn’t reflect what’s happening in our everyday lives.
Social life and self-esteem. We can also notice something about the link between self-esteem and socialising. Of course, we are naturally social creatures and we derive joy and pleasure from socialising with the people whose company we enjoy. But there’s also something about the social value of being someone who is surrounded by friends or inundated by invitations. For some of us, it takes us back to those playground days when - especially as women - the social currency was around the number of friends we had, and the amount of parties that we were invited to. Friendship is hard to quantify, and sometimes we make the mistake of valuing our ‘friendship worth to others’ in terms of the number of invites we receive, or the number of people who want to join us when we make a plan.
The ‘boring friend’. When I spoke to the journalist who was writing the piece, she told me that she was worried about being the ‘boring friend’ in her relationships. This happens when we equate an empty diary with a sense of being unwanted or rejected. When in fact the winter season is an ideal time for rest and restoration. However, it’s surprisingly common for people to feel like this. In a culture that prizes busyness, multitasking, and being overwhelmed, we absorb the notion that we ’should’ be busy if we are valued. And this can mean that we judge ourselves, or that we imagine the judgment of other people, about our social life.
What you can do.
The first step is really to notice what is happening with your thought patterns. If your thoughts are spiralling, then it’s useful to tune in closely to your thoughts. Are they based on reality? Or have they become louder and more critical and stressful? You can try keeping a diary to notice if there are any specific triggers or moments when they quieten. It’s also worth being curious about why these thoughts are there. If you’re experiencing negative thoughts about being the ‘boring friend’ then it’s likely that they have developed as a form of protection. Something to defend you from feeling rejected or isolated or unpopular. It’s interesting to consider where this might stem from. Often these thoughts feel familiar from past experiences.
Consider your social goals. This might sound like a strange thing to do. But it can be helpful, when you are feeling calm, to consider what kind of social diary would make you feel truly happy. And to note it down, so that when you find yourself feeling low you are able to offer yourself a reality check.
Figure out what’s getting in your way. If you’d like to be going out more than you do, think about what’s stopping you? Are you holding back from making plans or inviting other people to do things in case you might be rejected? Are you feeling as if you need to expand your social circle? You may need to summon up the courage to take a step out of your comfort zone to create the social life that you would like to have.
Be kind to yourself. We can’t always build our lives into a picture-perfect image of what we want to have. Life, work, finances, distance, commitments, these things all get in our way. So remember to be kind to yourself too.
Keen to explore more? In counselling, we can take a deeper look at how you feel about yourself. Click here to contact me, or click here to book a 30-minute introductory call.
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