Love languages and relationships: what if you and your partner are lost in translation?

You might not have come across the idea of 'love languages'. But you're likely to have noticed that we all have different preferences when it comes to receiving love or affection from others. Originated by Gary Chapman, the concept highlights five main 'love languages':

• Words of affirmation

• Quality time

• Receiving gifts

• Acts of service

• Physical touch

But what happens when you and your partner seem to speak different languages? When the ways you instinctively show affection don’t quite match the ways that your partner shows their affection to you? It can feel as if you're lost in translation. I spoke to Yahoo all about this for this article.

The good news is that we don't need to treat 'love languages' like a rigid checklist - where we are doomed to fail if we don't match up with our partner. Instead, they help us to understand that we might experience love and affection in a different way from those around us.

Where does our 'love language' come from?

Our early experiences often shape how we relate to acts of affection. From the moment we are born, we look to our caregivers to determine how to elicit their affection and attention. This is part of how we build our sense of attachment and security. And different families show affection and attention in different ways. So if you were offered affection through a specific 'love language' such as quality time with your caregiver, or being given gifts - this will likely become ingrained as a way in which you wish to receive affection. And by contrast - you might have gone through experiences that make you shy away from certain love languages. If physical touch was unforthcoming, or associated with punishment, then this might feel uncomfortable (rather than loving).

Let's take a look at the five main 'love languages', and what happens when they are lost in translation in a relationship.

Words of affirmation

This is all about receiving praise, validation and compliments. For some of us, these words can fill us with joy. But for others, receiving affirmation or praise can make us feel uncomfortable, or even suspicious or mistrusting.

Quality time

In our busy, time-poor world, the idea of spending quality time with our partner becomes even more important. If this is your 'love language' then you might become frustrated by receiving gifts or praise. When all you really want is your partner's time and a sense of their genuine attention.

Receiving gifts

If gifts were a big part of your upbringing, then they are likely to continue to hold connotations of love and affection. This isn't about materialism. It's more about that feeling of being special and having something chosen for you. But if gifts aren't really on your radar, this 'love language' can end up feeling transactional rather than loving. Especially if you're craving a different kind of connection.

Acts of service

This one is all about having a partner who does things for us - unprompted - that will make our day better. You may remember the 'Orange Peel theory' (click here to read my blog on this topic, or here to listen to my interview on BBC radio). The idea was that by peeling an orange (or some other unprompted task) for our partner, we are showing our affection in an intimate way. We are showing how well we know them, and that we are prepared to put their needs first. However, 'acts of service' might not always be welcomed, especially with someone who is fiercely independent or self-reliant.

Physical touch

Many of us assume that physical affection and intimacy are at the heart of a healthy, loving relationship. But for some, these might be only one part of the bigger picture. There are many reasons physical touch might not be welcomed in a relationship:

• Past negative or even traumatic experiences involving touch

• Growing up without much physical affection

• Feeling that physical affection carries unspoken conditions or expectations

• Preferring another love language and feeling frustrated by the focus on touch

Tips for when your love languages don't align in your relationship

Accept that your partner isn't a mindreader

One of the hardest lessons in relationships is recognising that your partner can’t know what you’re thinking unless you say it. We might hope that they’ll just know what we need - but that simply isn't the case. Learning to ask for what you need is vital.

In therapy, we can explore this in more detail. It’s a space to reflect on what you really need - and what might be stopping you from asking for it.

Reflect on your love languages

While the five 'love languages' aren’t strict rules, they can help you see how you and your partner give and receive love differently. Maybe words of affirmation feel most meaningful to you, while your partner prefers acts of service. The concept of 'love languages' can often shine a light on what is working, and what isn't, in your relationship. And it can help us to realise when our partner is showing their affection, but perhaps we hadn't registered it at first.

Figure out the barriers in your relationship

Understanding our 'love languages' is a really helpful tool, but it's just one piece of the puzzle. It can also be useful to think of our relationship as a living, growing thing. One that requires nurturing. If you're honest with yourselves, you can probably reflect on the things that get in the way of your relationship - whether it's work stress, lack of communication at home, or lack of time. Consider how you can prioritise your relationship, so that it becomes something that supports you in everyday life.

Keen to explore more? In counselling, we can take a deeper look at how you feel about yourself. Click here to contact me, or click here to book a 30-minute introductory call.