What’s driving your behaviour? Meet your Inner Parent, Adult, and Child

Do you ever find yourself repeating the same conversations or negotiations over and over again – but ending up in exactly the same place, and feeling stuck, frustrated, or stressed?  Then this one’s for you.  There's a simple model that can help us to understand how and why we behave in certain ways.  And how we can get ourselves unstuck. 

The ‘Parent-Adult-Child’ model was developed by Eric Berne. It's used widely by therapists from all sorts of backgrounds, as it's a really useful way to understand our behaviour.

So what do we mean by your Inner Parent, Adult, and Child?

This has nothing to do with whether you're actually a parent, an adult, or a child.  Instead, it’s based on the idea that in all our relationships, conversations and negotiations, we tend to find ourselves acting in one of three ways: as a parent, as an adult, or as a child. Especially when we are under pressure.

Here's an overview:

• The Adult.  An adult is essentially who we would want to be in our relationships.  Balanced, calm, collaborative, assertive, secure, and supportive. 

• The Child.  A child can be playful and creative. But they might also be anxious, or reactive, or overly compliant.

• The Parent.  A parent might be nurturing, but they can sometimes tip over into being stifling or overwhelming. A parent could also be a disapproving, critical, or punishing presence.

  
  

Each of these parts can be helpful in some situations. But when we slip out of ‘Adult’ mode - especially without realising - we can find ourselves stuck in unhelpful patterns or dynamics.

The Parent-Adult-Child model

Noticing when we have slipped out of ‘adult’ mode

We would all like to hope that we spend most of our time in 'Adult' mode. But when we stop and think about our relationships, we start to notice that – even if we would like to be – we are not always in ‘Adult’ mode.  Sometimes we might find ourselves:

• nagging and criticising those around us (‘Critical Parent’)

• being overbearing, even if we mean well (‘Nurturing Parent’)

• being a people-pleaser, putting everyone else's needs first (‘Adaptive Child’)

• throwing our toys out of the pram in a tantrum (‘Free Child’).

When we notice these shifts, we can start to tune into what happens inside us when we are slipping out of ‘Adult’ mode.  We might notice physical sensations, like growing hot, tense, shaky, or tearful.  We might notice different feelings, perhaps anger, anxiety or frustration. 

And noticing these shifts helps us to take control. In those moments when we find ourselves slipping into 'Parent' or 'Child' mode, we can stop to think about whether we have other ways to cope with our feelings. So that instead of responding as a ‘Parent’ or as a ‘Child’ – we can simply stay in our ‘Adult’ state. 

Why this matters in our relationships

Understanding all this gives us the power to change our relationships.  We can’t change how other people think and feel.  But we can change how we respond to them. 

When we’re able to stay in 'Adult' mode, it invites the other person to meet us there too. This opens up the possibility of relationships with more balance and communication, and less anger and frustration. It's hard for someone else to shift into the 'parent' or 'child' mode if we are staying firmly in our 'Adult'.

How counselling can help

These behaviours don’t appear out of nowhere. They’re often shaped by our early experiences and relationships - when we were learning how to stay safe, or get our needs met. In counselling we can explore these different behaviours, and consider how we can nurture your 'adult' self so that you feel more confident and resilient. Click here to book a free no-obligation chat about counselling.