Why feedback can feel so uncomfortable

We give and receive feedback all day long. There's the formal feedback that we might think of in the workplace or at school. But our day is filled with micro-moments of feedback. Comments, questions, the way that someone looks at us. The assumptions that we make about what someone is thinking - even if they haven't said anything at all. And something that I often notice, is that different 'parts' of us can become activated when we receive feedback.

Let me explain. When we are offered feedback, there can be a more rational, adult part of us that is able to take it on board. To reflect. To think about what feels useful and what doesn’t. To use it, where appropriate, to refine something for next time.

But that’s not the only part involved. When we hear feedback, often find that it activates a younger or more sensitive part of us. A part that hears feedback and connects it with older messages. Things that we decided about ourselves when we were younger. For some of us, these messages centre around not being 'good enough', or not being liked, successful, accepted, or included.

And sometimes that younger, more sensitive part of ourselves, can go even further. And this can mean that when we hear feedback - even when it is constructive or balanced - we interpret it as meaning that not only was something not quite right, but that something about us isn’t 'good enough' too.

If you recognise yourself in this, you’re not alone. It’s a very human response. And it has usually developed as a way of keeping us safe. Making sure that we are liked or approved of or successful. And so this self-criticism developed as a way to keep ourselves striving for more.

How to cope when feedback feels uncomfortable

If this resonates with you, then I thought it would be helpful to offer some points that are worth reflecting on:

We have a natural bias towards the negative

Our attention is often drawn towards what feels uncomfortable or critical, rather than the full picture. This isn’t a flaw. It’s part of how we try to protect ourselves and stay aware of potential problems.

We can't please everybody

No matter how much care or thought we put into something, it won’t land in the same way for everyone. That can be difficult to sit with, particularly if you’re used to trying to get things ‘right’.

Feedback is usually about what we’ve done, not who we are

Even though it can feel deeply personal, feedback is often about something specific. A piece of work, a decision, a way of communicating. It isn’t a measure of who you are as a person, even if it feels that way in the moment.

We don’t have control over other people’s responses

What someone else thinks or feels will always be shaped by their own perspective, expectations and experiences. That can feel frustrating, especially when you’ve tried hard, but it sits outside of your control.

It can help to give it a bit of space

If feedback has landed in a way that feels uncomfortable, it can help to step back from it for a while. To let the initial reaction settle. And then to return to it later, when things feel a little calmer, and decide what feels worth taking in.

We all respond to feedback in different ways. And those responses are not random, they are shaped by a lifetime of personal experiences.

Rather than trying to override your reaction - or get rid of it - it can be more helpful to begin by noticing it. Being curious about why a piece of feedback might feel uncomfortable, or critical, or painful. If you’re someone who finds feedback particularly difficult, especially where it connects to anxiety, self-criticism, or relationships, this is something we can think about together in therapy.

Or, if you’d simply like to read more reflections like this, you’re welcome to join my mailing list.